Charlie Brown said, “I love mankind - it’s people I can’t stand.” If there are people, there will be conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of life.
In the previous two articles we discussed the nature of conflict and some of the sources of conflict. Today I offer you ten suggestions (certainly not commandments) for dealing with.
At the end of these suggestions, I will offer you an opportunity to dig much deeper into the efforts to resolve conflict.
- Anticipate conflict.
Welcome the conflict. We will all have conflicts with other people because they are not just like us. They have different personalities, beliefs, and desires, so there will be disagreements and misunderstandings.
- Confront the conflict.
Rather than running from conflict, or reacting with horror when it comes up, focus on resolving it together and making it a learning experience. It has been said that conflict can give you either ulcers or understanding.
Initiate contact. Do not wait for the other person. God calls us to make things right.
Be Visible: Be seen, Be heard, Be there.
- Risk. Take the Chance.
This is the hardest part. When faced with the potential for conflict, we may be tempted to disconnect and distrust. We think that will avoid pain. But the reality is that everyone in relationship gets hurt. I made the decision a long time ago that I would rather risk being hurt than keep people at a distance. So, I choose every day to be vulnerable with others, to believe the best about them, and trust them.
- Do not become defensive.
Contrary to how it makes us feel, most conflict is not directly about us. Instead, it is a problem to be solved by two or more people. Avoid the blame game, and you will have a clearer head for approaching the problem logically.
- Watch out for your own emotions and biases.
It is time to look in the mirror and see if your actions or attitudes are the cause of the recurring conflict.
Manage your own anger. Do not let emotion lead you. Wait until you can be objective.
Admit you have a problem. Do not say it is the other person’s problem. Admit you are struggling.
- Remain Focused
One thing at a time. Narrow the focus. Identify and prioritize the issues. Go after one change at a time.
- Obey the 101% Principle
What is that? “Find the 1% that you agree on and give it 100% of your effort.”
Writer Cullen Hightower said, “There’s too much said for the sake of argument, and too little said for the sake of agreement.” The first and best response when conflict emerges in a relationship is to actively search for the areas where you already agree. It is the quickest way to start moving the conflict toward resolution.
- Leave room for everyone involved.
Give others the benefit of the doubt. To let ourselves off the hook while we demand perfection from others. Assume right motives from the person you conflict with. This defuses defensiveness and allows you both to focus on solving the problem at hand.
It is tempting in a conflict to try to argue the other person into a corner, to try to force them to agree with you. But it is more realistic and effective to gently persuade them, so they can compromise without feeling like they have lost.
- Learn to be flexible.
Thomas Jefferson famously said, “In matters of principle, stand like a rock. In matters of taste, swim with the current.” Ask yourself two important questions: “Does this really make a difference?” and “Will I care about this tomorrow?” If you answer “no,” then perhaps you can compromise on your position.
- Define the problem and work for a solution.
Compromise on opinions, not on principles. Be flexible with everything except truth.
Break it down. Every manager must operate with the big picture in mind.
Delineate the “what.” Before you can find solutions, you need to articulate the problem. The military calls this the after-action report.
Address the “why.”
Discover the “how.”
A NOTE TO READERS:
If you have followed this three-part series on conflict, I want to make an offer to you. If you seek to understand your style of confronting conflict you can become a better conflict manager. You can also learn the conflict resolution style of your family members, as well as those of your work team, church, or other organization.
You fall into a spot along two axis points measuring whether you are more assertive or cooperative. The result is that you and those around you fall into an area on the following: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, or accommodating. Your Myer’s Briggs profile will help you identify which style of conflict management you naturally use.
Reach out to me and together we can plan to give you valuable insights. We will find a solution that meets your needs.
